Filling the womb space...

but you are not defined by a part of your body...

I read about this recently when looking at the forums for women who have had a hysterectomy and feel a sense of loss after surgery. I really understand this complexity, don't get me wrong, but women are more than just a uterus, we are living, breathing organic beautiful beings capable of being much more than the sum of our parts. Even women with healthy functioning wombs are often unable to conceive or have children so living without a womb needn't prevent you living a full life.

I suppose the closest I have come to the grieving process (and hormones play a large part in this) was after the final meeting with my lovely gynaecologist, who I still have a major crush on (for the record, he is strictly professional). I'm notoriously bad at letting go so any perceived ending or closure is very difficult for me. However, from the recognition that I was going through a process I could deal with it and look at it in a more positive role. 

Positive thoughts include:

• I am getting fitter every day
• My hot flushes have ceased completely
• I'm driving long distances again
• I can work 
• I'm following my dream of becoming a full-time writer by doing an MA in Creative Writing.
• I don't have debilitating, exhausting periods anymore! Hooray!

So, wherever you are in your story, believe me, it does get better. I am now 3 months post-op having had a TAH with a cut ureter so extra surgery was needed, catheter and stent during the 6 weeks following surgery - pain, discomfort, limited mobility, fatigue etc etc. 

Today I had a CT scan of my pelvis which is  a painless procedure and I have a follow up appointment in December with the urology consultant. The strangest thing today was being asked when my last period was (they need to check before a CT scan in case of pregnancy) and I cheerfully stated that I'd had a hysterectomy on the 4th July. It made me realise I'm not ruled by the cyclical symptoms that harangued me for most of my life and I'm focusing on filling my womb space with creativity and joy.

"Parting is such sweet sorrow..."

wrote some famous geezer once upon a time...

...and how right he is. Sorrow rises up to meet me. This is potentially the last time I will see Mr F, my lovely gynae consultant unless by some quirk of kismet we meet in Qatar! He is leaving me for the desert!

My follow up appointment has a sense of an ending, it is a closing of a chapter as I continue to heal yet I have been through such an intense process with this exceptional man, the connection is inevitable. 

Don't all women fall in love with their gynaecologist?!

So I leave the hospital with renewed hope that my body, now rid from endometriosis and the organ that produced it, is finally going to allow me to be as free & vibrant as my thoughts. Yet the loss prompted by this change overwhelms me and I spend the evening silently weeping; perhaps this surfacing melancholy is a sort of relief overflow from the effects of surgery and the energetic links that are created.

My osteo recently remarked that it is as if all my whole life has been leading up to this point, the start of wellness and a clearing of karma through intense pain and suffering. The shamanic tradition marks this as the 'wounded healer' archetype, and through experiencing this descent into the abyss of illness the young initiate will re-emerge into the world with vital information to share with others. 

"So, I thank you Mr F with all my heart for your commitment to me over the past two years, you have touched me way beyond the physical and above all you were the one that really heard me. I will never forget that."

And who could have predicted that my final gynaecology appointment would involve the mention of camels! 

Perhaps Mr F will be true to his word and bring me back a camel from Qatar.......however, I'll settle for diamonds!

Here is a photo of me on 'Skyjuice' the camel in Jordan.

Butterflies and the process of transformation

Butterflies teach us how to transform...

We can learn from creatures that transform drastically throughout their life cycle and a prime example of this is the butterfly. I have always been drawn to their subtle complexity, a life lived in apparent frailty but disguising great strength. I meet the owner of the Butterfly House and he shows me a Gold Rim Swallowtail caterpillar, it it black and bulbous with red spikes, and secretes a wax-like substance when under threat! I am reminded of the way my body oozed and expelled liquids post-op, something no-one ever discusses in conversation. The processes we go through when healing can be regarded as disgusting or they can be looked upon as a necessary part of transformation. As a butterfly.

The chrysalises hang apparently dormant in their cupboard at the back of the Butterfly House, they dance as if celebrating their imminent emergence into a new life. I spoke to many women before I had my hysterectomy and heard their experience of it, all of them said they didn't regret it and it was the best thing they'd ever done. I maintain that view also regardless of the complications that arose during my surgery and the pain I endured. I am grateful to those professionals who helped me to combat endometriosis, a debilitating and life-changing disease. I felt hysterectomy was the only option left to me if I was to lead a happy and fulfilling life.

I will leave you with a photo of the Tree Nymph butterfly, a gloriously large creature that flies as if it is tissue paper swimming on the breeze.

Channelling the Fire Goddess...

We seek that which is lacking within us...

This is something I have learned in my experience so far and the synchronicity of healing and the paths we are steered upon. I had been buzzing about like a headless mosquito for too long, ignoring the pools of sustenance that lay before me; my life as a writer was waiting dormant in those pools until I had the courage to immerse.

My passion has always been reading and writing, I live for it so this period of convalescence has allowed me to be still like a great lake, breathing and adapting to its change of season. Summer has supported me well this year, the element of fire has complemented my earthly grounding, the irony of a cut ureter marking the water element in my chart and the gentle breeze of words rustling through my head as I read and read and read.

I keep getting hot flashes that rise up through my upper body and head, it could be the hormonal surges but may also be my body cleansing itself. It is not unpleasant and I prefer to call it 'channelling the fire goddess' - a much more positive take on the menopausal bad press of 'hot flushes'.

I have used sage tablets to calm the fiery goddess from getting out of control. Sage comes from the word salvere which means to be saved. So to all you glorious women out there who are channelling the fire goddess I wish you the silvery cool leaves of sage.

Doing too much...

Pain in the neck?

My neck and shoulder ache is in response to my body getting back into alignment after so much contraction and concentration on my pelvic area. I can only describe this as a feeling of being pulled in at the middle by a tight elastic belt, it is uncomfortable and needs gentle easing rather than a sharp pull which would only snap. After all the pain I have endured over the years with endometriosis I find that the worst feeling is having pain in the neck or head area and being unable to get comfortable or think straight. 

When I do eventually get to sleep I sink so deeply that when I wake I feel paralysed by my inactive muscles as if they have petrified like a fossil. My dreams are crazy-vivid, full of people demanding me to be in control, to make decisions. In one I call an ambulance for a man who has a wooden stake through his right femur, it's dark and the door to the house is extraordinarily narrow. Then the ambulance drives past, missing the address and gets waylaid assisting a bunch of drunk men, I'm frantically trying to get their attention to assist a much more worthy patient and to hurry.

I have been having Cranial Osteopathy and my Osteo feels I'm doing too much, straining my body with too much action, yet I feel so lazy for sitting still, for gentle movement. This is a western trait in the glorification of  busy, why do we reward the process of accumulation, achievement by the amount we have amassed and how much we fit in to our daily lives. The aggrandisement of frantic living is definitely not for me, so just as well I live in a sleepy part of the countryside and can sink into the gentle pace that is so much more beneficial.

I need to reign it in and rest, rest, rest. 

'You are the doctor too...'

Have you got that jittery feeling?

Yeah, me too! Time has passed by so quickly over July and August perhaps because I'm willing my body to heal and function better than before I went in for my op. Yesterday proved how time is still needed and healing processes cannot be rushed even when  your head is telling you, 'get on with it'. I still feel a long way off from 'normal'.

Yesterday I took a trip out to a garden centre, ate lunch on a particularly uncomfortable chair, walked around a bit and felt bone tired and in need of rest after. I felt my demons surfacing, the usual self-loathing for not being as healthy as I want to be but a pep-talk by my partner helped. I am the only one putting pressure on me, no-one else is. I've allowed myself so far to surrender to the process and it really helps having a philosophical outlook. Talking really does help sometimes or you just let all the monsters sabotage your own unique way of approaching what your body is telling you.

If you start all actions with creativity then you will succeed. I start with nothing but that, it is a burning hole in me, the fuel that expunges the words from my soul. The poet, Rainer Maria Rilke, speaks to Franz Kappus about such a feeling advising him to:

"...remember that sickness is the means by which an organism frees itself of foreign matter; so one must just help it to be sick, to have its whole sickness and break out with it;...you must be patient as a sick man and confident as a convalescent;...you are the doctor too, who has to watch over himself. But there are many days when the doctor can do nothing but wait."

So I wait...settling into my solitude...

Drug free cinematography...

After the Stent...

I woke the day after having the ureteric stent removed with renewed energy and thankfully no nasty bits coming out when I wee. I can't believe the transformation from having it removed, which is likely to have been causing me all this discomfort over the past 6 weeks.

I feel now I can really concentrate on getting my body healed and well again without the restriction I've been feeling. I did a short walk to the local garage and back, very slowly but it was enough for one day. I knew when I'd done too much moving about the house as my abdomen gets really achy so I spent the afternoon watching TV. I'm at that stage of recovery where my mind races ahead of my body and I need to be mindful and take care. 

I have not received a follow up from my gynecologist yet and feel I've been overlooked by the system. This is not unusual apparently and it is worth taking control of your own healing administration, chasing appointments etc. (I am in the UK so this maybe different if you are reading from other countries). I have been disappointed with the lack of follow up following discharge from hospital when I was reassured that all the appointments would be made for me and I'd be notified by post. A phonecall in the early weeks would have been really helpful to talk with a nurse who understood about the recovery process just for reassurance if nothing else. I had no idea that a stent could produce such uncomfortable symptoms.

As well as reading I have watched the following films:

• 12 Years a Slave
• This is Martin Bonner
• American Hustle
• Blue Jasmine
• Inside Llewyn Davis
• August: Osage County
• The Counselor
• Now Voyager
• Back to the Future (1 & 2)
• The Italian Job (1969 original)

I'm partial to a Lamborghini-driving older man with his shirt sleeves rolled up - anyone?????

SOD (Stent Out Day)

Stent Out Day....

I feel ok about this 'procedure' as they call it as I've been feeling quite fed-up at 6 weeks post-op with nowhere near the levels of energy that I need to partake in normal activities. I still feel incredibly bruised in my abdomen and am probably being too impatient as it wasn't just a hysterectomy but the added complications of endometriosis and then my ureter being damaged.

Having the stent is causing me some discomfort almost daily, it a low ache that reaches up my side and is worse just after peeing. Right now I can't entertain walking for miles; climbing a hill; lying on the grass; sleeping in a tent; soaking in a bubble bath; doing yoga; flying round the world; belly dancing; doing a pilgrimage; all these things I want to do desperately but can't. 

So, the stent was apparently 30cm in length and is finally out of my body and it only took a few minutes in which the doctor placed a camera up through my lady bits to retrieve the stent from my bladder, ureter and right kidney. It was uncomfortable but I had no anaesthetic and I think I must have incredible high pain threshold due to years of living with endometriosis.

My bladder was really irritated afterwards and I had the urge to urinate for several hours which is not pleasant as you get to the toilet then nothing comes out. You know how it is if you've ever had a bladder infection (something I thankfully never had to endure).

I take more arnica homeopathic remedy when I get home to help the healing process. Joy of joys, I suddenly realise that after 6 weeks of intense trauma on my body I'm now totally organic again with no 'foreign matter' in or attached to me.

My post-op reading list...

"There is no time for boredom"...

I have used my healing time also as a time to read, which is a great use of time. Here is a list of books I have read:

Life After Life - by Kate Atkinson
Perfect - by Rachel Joyce
One Hundred Years of Solitude - by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Pride and Prejudice - by Jane Austen
The Great Gatsby - by F. Scott Fitzgerald
The Letter in the Bottle - by Karen Leibrich
Case Histories - by Kate Atkinson
A Cat, a Hat and a Piece of String - Joanne Harris
The Lover - by Marguerite Duras
The Luminaries - by Elinor Catton

Turn your negative into positive...

Bio-oil and arnica cream...

after showering each morning I have my routine of putting arnica oil on my bruises (yes I still have them!) and then some bio-oil on the incision scar. I still feel very swollen and tender although I am progressing each day so trust in the process of time.

I've been having a bad time sleeping with the position I have to lie in, I cannot lie on my sides as it pulls too much on my belly so lying on my back is not ideal and causes my legs to become restless.

My mum comes to take me out as it is a glorious day, warm with sunshine so we sit outside at the garden centre. I feel quite lightheaded walking about and I'm SO SLOW even the old women with trolleys overtake me!

Tiredness overtakes me too, even the slightest activity leaves me knackered but I'm thankful for all the help I'm getting so far.

Pain v People

4am...

I keep waking in pain, or more of an ache really, the sort you get just before a period, but having a hysterectomy means I won't have to experience them again. I can only lie on my back as it is too uncomfortable to lie on my side with a 21cm incision (I have just measured it with a ruler).

My dreams are fleeting, last night I dream of my gynae consultant - he holds my hand and traces his index finger across my palm???? any dream experts out there, interpret that for me.

As an antidote to pain other than the usual self-medications of codeine phosphate, paracetemol and ibuprofen I have found that people are quite good at making me feel better (providing they are not extremely funny as it still hurts to laugh).

The weather is turning ready for a predictably unsettled August; it was really windy although still warm and today the clouds have amassed to a smoky grey wash. I feel the frustration at my practical limitations which restricts me but also reminds me to learn to surrender. There is no point straining and lifting and forcing something that only time will heal. I'm reminded so often of people saying 'listen to your body'.

A gentle circulation of friends throughout the week who visit and bring me lunch following my morning routine of breakfast in bed, shower, dress, walking about a bit, reading and writing my diary. My afternoons normally involve watching tv as my brain seems to stop functioning altogether and tiredness creeps up on me.

For the record, I do feel I am improving a little each day and in the right direction now but I have decided I'm not well enough to travel to a friends wedding, it feels too much of a challenge at this stage of my recovery. She is understanding and I feel so blessed to have such great friends.

Aren't showers blooming marvellous...

I feel clean clean clean clean.....

Hooray, hooray the catheter came out today nearly three weeks since surgery. Goodbye plastic friend who gathered my urine day in day out, I will not miss you one bit.

I cannot tell you how much freedom I feel and it really wasn't that painful (men make a bit of a fuss apparently due to the longer length - these were the nurses words not mine). I quaffed a jug of cold water and managed to pee exceptionally clear urine - twice - had an ultrasound and was told there was a little teaspoon left in there but it all looked fine.

The nurse also kindly looked at my scar which was clean and hadn't bled for 4 days so advised to leave the dressing off. So I did. Thanks nurse. What I didn't envisage was needing a wee so quickly after leaving the hospital so spend most of the journey home in agonies and had to rush (well shuffle at a quicker pace) up the stairs as soon as I got home.

Joy of joys I love to shower, it is so refreshing to feel clean running water wash away all the detritus associated with recovery.

The weather has been hot and dry so I can lounge around drying naturally and letting my body use the balmy air to soothe it. Summer is my favourite season, the light and heat a natural remedy. My pet cat is being careful and affectionate, using his innate intelligence to sense that something is not quite right with me.

Anybody out there???

How many women feel abandoned after hysterectomy...here are some support options where you can join forums and chat to other women who share their experiences:

The Hysterectomy Association

Endometriosis UK

Hyster Sisters

Panic! My incision started bleeding 2 weeks post-op

If it's going to happen it will happen on the busiest Friday of the year at 5pm......

I was daring to feel more positive about my body on its road to recovery, moving about more but not overexerting, resting a lot and eating sensibly. With support from my mum during the day I was really lucky, she had gone home and I pottered into the kitchen when I felt something dripping down my leg, looked down and saw blood - aaaarrrrghh!!!!

This is quite a shocking thing to happen when you think you're all glued up and told that nothing can drop out, but the blood was coming from my incision and had soaked through my dressing, saturating it and then when I stood up....drip drip drip....horror movie or what???

So my initial reaction was, 'ok I'm not going to die' so I shuffled back to the sofa and called my partner and my mum. Then I called 111, the NHS helpline and a nurse asked me several questions to ascertain what was going on. As the doctors surgery was shut for the weekend (this still makes me laugh as people get ill on a Saturday and Sunday too) I was advised to get to my nearest A&E or call an ambulance. So holding a towel against my belly I was driven to the A&E department where I hoped to get some treatment and also to find out why this had happened two weeks after my surgery. I have great respect for the medical profession but follow-up care is sadly lacking in the overstretched NHS.

After being poked, told that the gorier the better for one A&E nurse(!) and talked about while still in the room, I had my blood taken then waited 3 hours in a room with the door closed (and no call button) before having more dressings put on my seeping wound and told to come back tomorrow if it had soaked through. Apparently, a bit of blood can be trapped after surgery and needs to come out somehow, with me it chose to come out on a Friday evening. 

It was not an experience I ever want to repeat, not only was I told that someone would see me 'in a minute' (they didn't), they didn't let my partner and mum know I was waiting in the room alone and being an impatient patient I shuffled off the bed holding my belly like a pregnant woman (ironic as post-hysterectomy!) walked past at least 10 members of staff looking like death warmed up, and into a packed waiting room. I reckon if I was auditioning for a zombie movie I would get the star zombie role handed to me there and then!

I turned to mum on the way home in the car and said, if I need my dressing changed tomorrow I'm doing it, never, ever take me back there! I know I sound ungrateful but with the correct information and reassurance I would have been able to cope with what was happening to my poor healing body. If someone had said to me, it's just a part of the process, just allow it to drain and keep it clean, then I could have approached it with a better frame of mind. It's just as well I'm extremely positive and able to cope with these setbacks.

It's all about me, actually!

Getting well after surgery is a personal thing, some like company and lots of fuss while others (like me) prefer to quietly sit like a wounded cub licking her wounds....

The World Cup Final, not that I care in the slightest but some people do especially if they are Argentinian or German football fans. I wake from such a heavy dream filled sleep leaving my body set in concrete and aching in my abdomen, a dense kind of pain as if I'm drowning within myself.

Mornings are always so testing. I get up slow as a sloth and manage to empty my bowels without too much prolonged agony. I feel better after washing like a deranged bashed up old hag leaning on the sink and sponging my body.

The catheter sits like a plastic leech on my leg, now I'm producing warm elderflower cordial and find pleasure in categorizing my wee into various liquid refreshments as it is on display; rose wine, weak ribena, scrumpy medium cider, peach squash, lemon liqueur.

I enforce my boundaries to refrain from visitors which includes pretty much everyone except my mum. This is my surrender moment, a time to heal and I'm not going anywhere so there is no point in resisting it. 

If you resist what your body needs, your body will stop you and make you surrender in no uncertain terms. Be kind. Treat yourself as you would a dear friend.

I have found my diary or blog a preferred way of expressing all these inner feelings, a cathartic release of sorts. Naturally you will have friends who want to see you bearing gifts and tidings of goodwill but it's not about them. It's about you. If you don't feel up to visitors make that clear and tell them you're not ready. There's plenty of time to convalesce when you can enjoy their visits especially if they are offering you specific support. Fetching a few shopping items for you, making a bit of lunch, doing a bit of vacuuming or ironing can all help. 

You need to empower your inner manager and prioritize what it is you need right now.

My main reason for not seeing too many friends in the first week home was because they make me laugh.

"Laughing really hurts after abdominal surgery - stay miserable a little bit longer!"

Support and routine to aid recovery

Keep positive...you will get better....

Advice for a healthier recovery period:

• Drink water all the time - keep your body hydrated.
• Fuel your body with clean foods, fruits, vegetables, fibre, seeds, nuts, pulses.
• Mulkosan is a whey based nutritional drink that aids digestion - my friend gave me a bottle of this, you can drink with water or fruit juice.
• Ask for help - you will need it in the first few weeks after surgery to do the most simplest of tasks, like fetching you drinks, meals, washing up, cleaning the house, making your bed, lifting things, driving you to appointments and generally being there to help. 
• Have a routine, get up out of bed, it does make you feel better when you  are upright for a bit and gets the digestive gases moving down and out, if you get my drift.
• Be mindful that everything takes more time than usual.
• Sleep.
• Rest.
• Shower daily when you are feeling able to, remember to let your incision dry fully so it can heal well.
• Set daily aims no matter how mundane they may seem, every step towards recovery is a step in the right direction. I love reading, doing puzzle magazines, listening to music and watching films so if your operation is planned why not line up a few books, make some playlists to put on your ipod before you go to hospital, line up some films to view that you've been meaning to watch for years.
• Most of all - listen to your body -rest, move a little, eat, rest, cleanse, breathe slowly and deeply, sleep, hydrate, smile.....