Filling the womb space...

but you are not defined by a part of your body...

I read about this recently when looking at the forums for women who have had a hysterectomy and feel a sense of loss after surgery. I really understand this complexity, don't get me wrong, but women are more than just a uterus, we are living, breathing organic beautiful beings capable of being much more than the sum of our parts. Even women with healthy functioning wombs are often unable to conceive or have children so living without a womb needn't prevent you living a full life.

I suppose the closest I have come to the grieving process (and hormones play a large part in this) was after the final meeting with my lovely gynaecologist, who I still have a major crush on (for the record, he is strictly professional). I'm notoriously bad at letting go so any perceived ending or closure is very difficult for me. However, from the recognition that I was going through a process I could deal with it and look at it in a more positive role. 

Positive thoughts include:

• I am getting fitter every day
• My hot flushes have ceased completely
• I'm driving long distances again
• I can work 
• I'm following my dream of becoming a full-time writer by doing an MA in Creative Writing.
• I don't have debilitating, exhausting periods anymore! Hooray!

So, wherever you are in your story, believe me, it does get better. I am now 3 months post-op having had a TAH with a cut ureter so extra surgery was needed, catheter and stent during the 6 weeks following surgery - pain, discomfort, limited mobility, fatigue etc etc. 

Today I had a CT scan of my pelvis which is  a painless procedure and I have a follow up appointment in December with the urology consultant. The strangest thing today was being asked when my last period was (they need to check before a CT scan in case of pregnancy) and I cheerfully stated that I'd had a hysterectomy on the 4th July. It made me realise I'm not ruled by the cyclical symptoms that harangued me for most of my life and I'm focusing on filling my womb space with creativity and joy.

"Parting is such sweet sorrow..."

wrote some famous geezer once upon a time...

...and how right he is. Sorrow rises up to meet me. This is potentially the last time I will see Mr F, my lovely gynae consultant unless by some quirk of kismet we meet in Qatar! He is leaving me for the desert!

My follow up appointment has a sense of an ending, it is a closing of a chapter as I continue to heal yet I have been through such an intense process with this exceptional man, the connection is inevitable. 

Don't all women fall in love with their gynaecologist?!

So I leave the hospital with renewed hope that my body, now rid from endometriosis and the organ that produced it, is finally going to allow me to be as free & vibrant as my thoughts. Yet the loss prompted by this change overwhelms me and I spend the evening silently weeping; perhaps this surfacing melancholy is a sort of relief overflow from the effects of surgery and the energetic links that are created.

My osteo recently remarked that it is as if all my whole life has been leading up to this point, the start of wellness and a clearing of karma through intense pain and suffering. The shamanic tradition marks this as the 'wounded healer' archetype, and through experiencing this descent into the abyss of illness the young initiate will re-emerge into the world with vital information to share with others. 

"So, I thank you Mr F with all my heart for your commitment to me over the past two years, you have touched me way beyond the physical and above all you were the one that really heard me. I will never forget that."

And who could have predicted that my final gynaecology appointment would involve the mention of camels! 

Perhaps Mr F will be true to his word and bring me back a camel from Qatar.......however, I'll settle for diamonds!

Here is a photo of me on 'Skyjuice' the camel in Jordan.

Butterflies and the process of transformation

Butterflies teach us how to transform...

We can learn from creatures that transform drastically throughout their life cycle and a prime example of this is the butterfly. I have always been drawn to their subtle complexity, a life lived in apparent frailty but disguising great strength. I meet the owner of the Butterfly House and he shows me a Gold Rim Swallowtail caterpillar, it it black and bulbous with red spikes, and secretes a wax-like substance when under threat! I am reminded of the way my body oozed and expelled liquids post-op, something no-one ever discusses in conversation. The processes we go through when healing can be regarded as disgusting or they can be looked upon as a necessary part of transformation. As a butterfly.

The chrysalises hang apparently dormant in their cupboard at the back of the Butterfly House, they dance as if celebrating their imminent emergence into a new life. I spoke to many women before I had my hysterectomy and heard their experience of it, all of them said they didn't regret it and it was the best thing they'd ever done. I maintain that view also regardless of the complications that arose during my surgery and the pain I endured. I am grateful to those professionals who helped me to combat endometriosis, a debilitating and life-changing disease. I felt hysterectomy was the only option left to me if I was to lead a happy and fulfilling life.

I will leave you with a photo of the Tree Nymph butterfly, a gloriously large creature that flies as if it is tissue paper swimming on the breeze.

Channelling the Fire Goddess...

We seek that which is lacking within us...

This is something I have learned in my experience so far and the synchronicity of healing and the paths we are steered upon. I had been buzzing about like a headless mosquito for too long, ignoring the pools of sustenance that lay before me; my life as a writer was waiting dormant in those pools until I had the courage to immerse.

My passion has always been reading and writing, I live for it so this period of convalescence has allowed me to be still like a great lake, breathing and adapting to its change of season. Summer has supported me well this year, the element of fire has complemented my earthly grounding, the irony of a cut ureter marking the water element in my chart and the gentle breeze of words rustling through my head as I read and read and read.

I keep getting hot flashes that rise up through my upper body and head, it could be the hormonal surges but may also be my body cleansing itself. It is not unpleasant and I prefer to call it 'channelling the fire goddess' - a much more positive take on the menopausal bad press of 'hot flushes'.

I have used sage tablets to calm the fiery goddess from getting out of control. Sage comes from the word salvere which means to be saved. So to all you glorious women out there who are channelling the fire goddess I wish you the silvery cool leaves of sage.