Butterflies and the process of transformation

Butterflies teach us how to transform...

We can learn from creatures that transform drastically throughout their life cycle and a prime example of this is the butterfly. I have always been drawn to their subtle complexity, a life lived in apparent frailty but disguising great strength. I meet the owner of the Butterfly House and he shows me a Gold Rim Swallowtail caterpillar, it it black and bulbous with red spikes, and secretes a wax-like substance when under threat! I am reminded of the way my body oozed and expelled liquids post-op, something no-one ever discusses in conversation. The processes we go through when healing can be regarded as disgusting or they can be looked upon as a necessary part of transformation. As a butterfly.

The chrysalises hang apparently dormant in their cupboard at the back of the Butterfly House, they dance as if celebrating their imminent emergence into a new life. I spoke to many women before I had my hysterectomy and heard their experience of it, all of them said they didn't regret it and it was the best thing they'd ever done. I maintain that view also regardless of the complications that arose during my surgery and the pain I endured. I am grateful to those professionals who helped me to combat endometriosis, a debilitating and life-changing disease. I felt hysterectomy was the only option left to me if I was to lead a happy and fulfilling life.

I will leave you with a photo of the Tree Nymph butterfly, a gloriously large creature that flies as if it is tissue paper swimming on the breeze.

POCT or Post-Op Commentary Talking

Talking to yourself is absolutely normal....

Today has been a real test of my energy level management - I love my friends but have found that talking and being present with them has left me floored for some time afterwards. I feel it's the actual process of concentration and being alert, plus being limited at movement prevents me to get up and play hostess.

My rational mind tells me I mustn't over-do it or I could set my self back so I talk to myself - a skill I learned on a workshop once called commentary-driving, only I call this Post-Op Commentary Talking. 

It goes something like this:

"I am now going to gently ease myself out of this chair and stand up. Now I am mindfully going to walk to the kitchen to fetch a glass of water. Oh look, there is a pair of shoes that have been carelessly left in the middle of the room but because I cannot bend down I will not attempt to move them but register that they are in my pathway causing me to navigate around them and not trip up and land flat on my face..."

Talking of limitations, obviously I'm aware that I can't hang out of upstairs windows to wash off the seagull shit so I ask my extremely keen to please partner to do it, as it is impeding my view of the clouds! (Actually he wasn't that keen - who would be?)

Going off on a tangent, can I recommend fruit to you. It's blooming marvellous considering nearly two weeks ago I was almost passing out on the toilet with 8/10 pain, this has reduced to 3/10 discomfort so 'well done body' - remember with POCT you can actually tell your body how well it's doing at healing.

Now for a fruit salad...

Memorable moments of the day!

Please remember I am still prone in a hospital bed so any action is deemed as exciting....

It is useful to live in the moment, particularly after major abdominal surgery with problems, this includes being prosaic which can help you stay grounded and focused on your healing.

So I listed my memorable moments of the day, here there are (sorry about the crude language):

1. I farted! (major achievement for my poor bashed and bruised bowel)
2. I actually stood up for a while although had to cling on to my catheter bag on my right leg and the bag on my left side containing the blood that was draining from a hole in my abdomen (yuk!)
3. My brother visited me in hospital and made me laugh (laughing really really hurts)
4. I emptied my piss bag in the toilet, life skills are always worth adding to.
5. A cloud shaped like a love heart appeared in the frame of my window - nice!
6. Seagulls create good television if you like that sort of thing and have never watched television before and are shit bored!
7. My lovely partner declared that hospital icecream is the best icecream (he has obviously never eaten gelato in Venice then!)
8. The lovely health care assistant who brings me food and drink on a really noisy trolley is from Krakow, Poland (I love it there so we had a chat about the city and her home country)
9. 5pm - 2 paracetamol and 2 codeine phosphate = better pain relief. Sunday is a slow drug day.

and now a view from my window - can you see any seagulls???