Filling the womb space...

but you are not defined by a part of your body...

I read about this recently when looking at the forums for women who have had a hysterectomy and feel a sense of loss after surgery. I really understand this complexity, don't get me wrong, but women are more than just a uterus, we are living, breathing organic beautiful beings capable of being much more than the sum of our parts. Even women with healthy functioning wombs are often unable to conceive or have children so living without a womb needn't prevent you living a full life.

I suppose the closest I have come to the grieving process (and hormones play a large part in this) was after the final meeting with my lovely gynaecologist, who I still have a major crush on (for the record, he is strictly professional). I'm notoriously bad at letting go so any perceived ending or closure is very difficult for me. However, from the recognition that I was going through a process I could deal with it and look at it in a more positive role. 

Positive thoughts include:

• I am getting fitter every day
• My hot flushes have ceased completely
• I'm driving long distances again
• I can work 
• I'm following my dream of becoming a full-time writer by doing an MA in Creative Writing.
• I don't have debilitating, exhausting periods anymore! Hooray!

So, wherever you are in your story, believe me, it does get better. I am now 3 months post-op having had a TAH with a cut ureter so extra surgery was needed, catheter and stent during the 6 weeks following surgery - pain, discomfort, limited mobility, fatigue etc etc. 

Today I had a CT scan of my pelvis which is  a painless procedure and I have a follow up appointment in December with the urology consultant. The strangest thing today was being asked when my last period was (they need to check before a CT scan in case of pregnancy) and I cheerfully stated that I'd had a hysterectomy on the 4th July. It made me realise I'm not ruled by the cyclical symptoms that harangued me for most of my life and I'm focusing on filling my womb space with creativity and joy.

Butterflies and the process of transformation

Butterflies teach us how to transform...

We can learn from creatures that transform drastically throughout their life cycle and a prime example of this is the butterfly. I have always been drawn to their subtle complexity, a life lived in apparent frailty but disguising great strength. I meet the owner of the Butterfly House and he shows me a Gold Rim Swallowtail caterpillar, it it black and bulbous with red spikes, and secretes a wax-like substance when under threat! I am reminded of the way my body oozed and expelled liquids post-op, something no-one ever discusses in conversation. The processes we go through when healing can be regarded as disgusting or they can be looked upon as a necessary part of transformation. As a butterfly.

The chrysalises hang apparently dormant in their cupboard at the back of the Butterfly House, they dance as if celebrating their imminent emergence into a new life. I spoke to many women before I had my hysterectomy and heard their experience of it, all of them said they didn't regret it and it was the best thing they'd ever done. I maintain that view also regardless of the complications that arose during my surgery and the pain I endured. I am grateful to those professionals who helped me to combat endometriosis, a debilitating and life-changing disease. I felt hysterectomy was the only option left to me if I was to lead a happy and fulfilling life.

I will leave you with a photo of the Tree Nymph butterfly, a gloriously large creature that flies as if it is tissue paper swimming on the breeze.

Doing too much...

Pain in the neck?

My neck and shoulder ache is in response to my body getting back into alignment after so much contraction and concentration on my pelvic area. I can only describe this as a feeling of being pulled in at the middle by a tight elastic belt, it is uncomfortable and needs gentle easing rather than a sharp pull which would only snap. After all the pain I have endured over the years with endometriosis I find that the worst feeling is having pain in the neck or head area and being unable to get comfortable or think straight. 

When I do eventually get to sleep I sink so deeply that when I wake I feel paralysed by my inactive muscles as if they have petrified like a fossil. My dreams are crazy-vivid, full of people demanding me to be in control, to make decisions. In one I call an ambulance for a man who has a wooden stake through his right femur, it's dark and the door to the house is extraordinarily narrow. Then the ambulance drives past, missing the address and gets waylaid assisting a bunch of drunk men, I'm frantically trying to get their attention to assist a much more worthy patient and to hurry.

I have been having Cranial Osteopathy and my Osteo feels I'm doing too much, straining my body with too much action, yet I feel so lazy for sitting still, for gentle movement. This is a western trait in the glorification of  busy, why do we reward the process of accumulation, achievement by the amount we have amassed and how much we fit in to our daily lives. The aggrandisement of frantic living is definitely not for me, so just as well I live in a sleepy part of the countryside and can sink into the gentle pace that is so much more beneficial.

I need to reign it in and rest, rest, rest. 

Sleep Deprivation

A woman without sleep is a shell...

You can tell a person who does not sleep well, their eyes are glazed and they have a demeanor that leaks energy, that is because sleep is so important, there are myriad studies on the benefits of sleep, especially following an illness or in my case, surgery.

Having been what I term a 'good' sleeper most of my life, I find lack of sleep or poor quality sleep most frustrating, affecting not only my physical body but my mental faculties and most importantly for those around me, my mood. The restrictions of abdominal surgery mean that certain positions are uncomfortable, and lying on my back is not my preferred position for sleeping; I am a curled cat, a foetal sleeper. I miss sleeping on my side.

Now, I am 7 weeks post-op but I've only really been active over the past two weeks and only pain-free for 1 week following the removal of the stent from my ureter.

My strategies for getting to sleep include the following (no sheep were involved in the counting):

• Listening to mantras
• Breathing slowly and deeply
• Counting down from 100
• Listing all the states of the USA in alphabetical order
• Numbering the alphabet e.g. Z=26
• Trying to remember the Capital Cities of Europe
• Pulling my hair out!
• Trying to lie really, really still

'You are the doctor too...'

Have you got that jittery feeling?

Yeah, me too! Time has passed by so quickly over July and August perhaps because I'm willing my body to heal and function better than before I went in for my op. Yesterday proved how time is still needed and healing processes cannot be rushed even when  your head is telling you, 'get on with it'. I still feel a long way off from 'normal'.

Yesterday I took a trip out to a garden centre, ate lunch on a particularly uncomfortable chair, walked around a bit and felt bone tired and in need of rest after. I felt my demons surfacing, the usual self-loathing for not being as healthy as I want to be but a pep-talk by my partner helped. I am the only one putting pressure on me, no-one else is. I've allowed myself so far to surrender to the process and it really helps having a philosophical outlook. Talking really does help sometimes or you just let all the monsters sabotage your own unique way of approaching what your body is telling you.

If you start all actions with creativity then you will succeed. I start with nothing but that, it is a burning hole in me, the fuel that expunges the words from my soul. The poet, Rainer Maria Rilke, speaks to Franz Kappus about such a feeling advising him to:

"...remember that sickness is the means by which an organism frees itself of foreign matter; so one must just help it to be sick, to have its whole sickness and break out with it;...you must be patient as a sick man and confident as a convalescent;...you are the doctor too, who has to watch over himself. But there are many days when the doctor can do nothing but wait."

So I wait...settling into my solitude...

Drug free cinematography...

After the Stent...

I woke the day after having the ureteric stent removed with renewed energy and thankfully no nasty bits coming out when I wee. I can't believe the transformation from having it removed, which is likely to have been causing me all this discomfort over the past 6 weeks.

I feel now I can really concentrate on getting my body healed and well again without the restriction I've been feeling. I did a short walk to the local garage and back, very slowly but it was enough for one day. I knew when I'd done too much moving about the house as my abdomen gets really achy so I spent the afternoon watching TV. I'm at that stage of recovery where my mind races ahead of my body and I need to be mindful and take care. 

I have not received a follow up from my gynecologist yet and feel I've been overlooked by the system. This is not unusual apparently and it is worth taking control of your own healing administration, chasing appointments etc. (I am in the UK so this maybe different if you are reading from other countries). I have been disappointed with the lack of follow up following discharge from hospital when I was reassured that all the appointments would be made for me and I'd be notified by post. A phonecall in the early weeks would have been really helpful to talk with a nurse who understood about the recovery process just for reassurance if nothing else. I had no idea that a stent could produce such uncomfortable symptoms.

As well as reading I have watched the following films:

• 12 Years a Slave
• This is Martin Bonner
• American Hustle
• Blue Jasmine
• Inside Llewyn Davis
• August: Osage County
• The Counselor
• Now Voyager
• Back to the Future (1 & 2)
• The Italian Job (1969 original)

I'm partial to a Lamborghini-driving older man with his shirt sleeves rolled up - anyone?????

My post-op reading list...

"There is no time for boredom"...

I have used my healing time also as a time to read, which is a great use of time. Here is a list of books I have read:

Life After Life - by Kate Atkinson
Perfect - by Rachel Joyce
One Hundred Years of Solitude - by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Pride and Prejudice - by Jane Austen
The Great Gatsby - by F. Scott Fitzgerald
The Letter in the Bottle - by Karen Leibrich
Case Histories - by Kate Atkinson
A Cat, a Hat and a Piece of String - Joanne Harris
The Lover - by Marguerite Duras
The Luminaries - by Elinor Catton

It's all about me, actually!

Getting well after surgery is a personal thing, some like company and lots of fuss while others (like me) prefer to quietly sit like a wounded cub licking her wounds....

The World Cup Final, not that I care in the slightest but some people do especially if they are Argentinian or German football fans. I wake from such a heavy dream filled sleep leaving my body set in concrete and aching in my abdomen, a dense kind of pain as if I'm drowning within myself.

Mornings are always so testing. I get up slow as a sloth and manage to empty my bowels without too much prolonged agony. I feel better after washing like a deranged bashed up old hag leaning on the sink and sponging my body.

The catheter sits like a plastic leech on my leg, now I'm producing warm elderflower cordial and find pleasure in categorizing my wee into various liquid refreshments as it is on display; rose wine, weak ribena, scrumpy medium cider, peach squash, lemon liqueur.

I enforce my boundaries to refrain from visitors which includes pretty much everyone except my mum. This is my surrender moment, a time to heal and I'm not going anywhere so there is no point in resisting it. 

If you resist what your body needs, your body will stop you and make you surrender in no uncertain terms. Be kind. Treat yourself as you would a dear friend.

I have found my diary or blog a preferred way of expressing all these inner feelings, a cathartic release of sorts. Naturally you will have friends who want to see you bearing gifts and tidings of goodwill but it's not about them. It's about you. If you don't feel up to visitors make that clear and tell them you're not ready. There's plenty of time to convalesce when you can enjoy their visits especially if they are offering you specific support. Fetching a few shopping items for you, making a bit of lunch, doing a bit of vacuuming or ironing can all help. 

You need to empower your inner manager and prioritize what it is you need right now.

My main reason for not seeing too many friends in the first week home was because they make me laugh.

"Laughing really hurts after abdominal surgery - stay miserable a little bit longer!"

Connecting to nature when recovering

Listen to your body, good advice on any occasion but especially following major abdominal surgery like hysterectomy....

When you leave hospital your biggest teacher and nurse is you - your very own body. I find that nature is also a great teacher, it has a natural process that when forced just doesn't work, for example, if you see a bud on a flower you know it will eventually open and become a full bloom with the right conditions, but if you try to force it open with your fingers the petals will bruise and be spoiled. That is how it is with all organic things including us.

The weather has been gloriously hot, sunny with a cool breeze today. I decide to sit outside in the garden which is slightly uncomfortable but pretty much everything is uncomfortable right now. My belly is distended, feels really tight and sore, I ache with every movement either standing or sitting but I know this will pass. The bruises on my skin will fade in time.

Outside in my garden our beautiful plants are in chakra colours, red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo and violet with white and pink all interspersed and healthy. I adore them all like my pets and feel so much gratitude for all the plants attracting butterflies and bees. For a moment the physical challenges of my body fade when I meditate on the movement of the insects around the flowers and the breeze through the branches of the trees.

In the words of John Denver - you fill up my senses.....

Memorable moments of the day!

Please remember I am still prone in a hospital bed so any action is deemed as exciting....

It is useful to live in the moment, particularly after major abdominal surgery with problems, this includes being prosaic which can help you stay grounded and focused on your healing.

So I listed my memorable moments of the day, here there are (sorry about the crude language):

1. I farted! (major achievement for my poor bashed and bruised bowel)
2. I actually stood up for a while although had to cling on to my catheter bag on my right leg and the bag on my left side containing the blood that was draining from a hole in my abdomen (yuk!)
3. My brother visited me in hospital and made me laugh (laughing really really hurts)
4. I emptied my piss bag in the toilet, life skills are always worth adding to.
5. A cloud shaped like a love heart appeared in the frame of my window - nice!
6. Seagulls create good television if you like that sort of thing and have never watched television before and are shit bored!
7. My lovely partner declared that hospital icecream is the best icecream (he has obviously never eaten gelato in Venice then!)
8. The lovely health care assistant who brings me food and drink on a really noisy trolley is from Krakow, Poland (I love it there so we had a chat about the city and her home country)
9. 5pm - 2 paracetamol and 2 codeine phosphate = better pain relief. Sunday is a slow drug day.

and now a view from my window - can you see any seagulls???

Bed bound

Things you notice when you can't move....

As you've probably guessed I love writing so will scribble away about almost anything to pass the time and keep me sane. I had taken my notebook with me into hospital to record my account of having a hysterectomy obviously not expecting to feel as rough as I did.

So I just decided to observe those things around me and here is what I wrote:

...on my right side attached to a catheter, a bag of rose coloured pee, ranging from claret (yesterday) to elderflower cordial (today)...

...drugs have their place, thank you opium fields...

...on the wall of my hospital room I can see:

• a Danicentre glove and apron dispenser, blue gloves in the shade of the Caribbean ocean in small/medium/large. It looks like a 3-eyed old square faced man, its mouth set like a pith helmet.
• below, a green plastic dispenser called Clinell containing an open pack of wipes
• above the white ceramic sink, some Purell liquid soap and chrome fittings. A Gujo gel dispenser and Tork paper towel unit
• then some art as an antidote to the clinical fittings - a black framed photo print of a stream, green banks of long grass and luminescent weed travelling in gentle water. It speaks to me of seclusion, wildness, a brackish past set free by fresh flow. In the far right of the picture there is a turn in the path of the stream suggesting its history, it has come from somewhere unknown but will continue from this point I see before me. I am drawn back to the clump of long grass like a horses mane brushed by the current, coloured to a sandy stripe amid the dark water....

enough of that....

• there is a clock with 24 and 12 hour markings, the second hand in red.
• on the bathroom door is a wipe-clean 'Daily Aims Board', my daily aim for today is have a proper fart (there is a medical term for this but no-one ever uses it and anyway fart sounds more satisfying, it's proper onomatopoeic. I have achieved this daily aim. Another daily aim which seems an obsession also of every nurse who visits me is 'have you had a bowel movement yet?'. Sadly not. However, I have eaten half a weetabix with milk; 2 bourbon biscuits; some veg soup; cucumber; lettuce; tomato; some strong coffee; some herbal tea; cauliflower cheese and a hot chocolate.
• I am told I must 'mobilise' more before I'm discharged. This is difficult when I feel so weak every time I sit up or attempt to stand (more about this later).
• Next to the Daily Aims Board is  yellow sign with a drawing of a white toilet (clearly a male toilet as the seat is up!)