Filling the womb space...

but you are not defined by a part of your body...

I read about this recently when looking at the forums for women who have had a hysterectomy and feel a sense of loss after surgery. I really understand this complexity, don't get me wrong, but women are more than just a uterus, we are living, breathing organic beautiful beings capable of being much more than the sum of our parts. Even women with healthy functioning wombs are often unable to conceive or have children so living without a womb needn't prevent you living a full life.

I suppose the closest I have come to the grieving process (and hormones play a large part in this) was after the final meeting with my lovely gynaecologist, who I still have a major crush on (for the record, he is strictly professional). I'm notoriously bad at letting go so any perceived ending or closure is very difficult for me. However, from the recognition that I was going through a process I could deal with it and look at it in a more positive role. 

Positive thoughts include:

• I am getting fitter every day
• My hot flushes have ceased completely
• I'm driving long distances again
• I can work 
• I'm following my dream of becoming a full-time writer by doing an MA in Creative Writing.
• I don't have debilitating, exhausting periods anymore! Hooray!

So, wherever you are in your story, believe me, it does get better. I am now 3 months post-op having had a TAH with a cut ureter so extra surgery was needed, catheter and stent during the 6 weeks following surgery - pain, discomfort, limited mobility, fatigue etc etc. 

Today I had a CT scan of my pelvis which is  a painless procedure and I have a follow up appointment in December with the urology consultant. The strangest thing today was being asked when my last period was (they need to check before a CT scan in case of pregnancy) and I cheerfully stated that I'd had a hysterectomy on the 4th July. It made me realise I'm not ruled by the cyclical symptoms that harangued me for most of my life and I'm focusing on filling my womb space with creativity and joy.

Doing too much...

Pain in the neck?

My neck and shoulder ache is in response to my body getting back into alignment after so much contraction and concentration on my pelvic area. I can only describe this as a feeling of being pulled in at the middle by a tight elastic belt, it is uncomfortable and needs gentle easing rather than a sharp pull which would only snap. After all the pain I have endured over the years with endometriosis I find that the worst feeling is having pain in the neck or head area and being unable to get comfortable or think straight. 

When I do eventually get to sleep I sink so deeply that when I wake I feel paralysed by my inactive muscles as if they have petrified like a fossil. My dreams are crazy-vivid, full of people demanding me to be in control, to make decisions. In one I call an ambulance for a man who has a wooden stake through his right femur, it's dark and the door to the house is extraordinarily narrow. Then the ambulance drives past, missing the address and gets waylaid assisting a bunch of drunk men, I'm frantically trying to get their attention to assist a much more worthy patient and to hurry.

I have been having Cranial Osteopathy and my Osteo feels I'm doing too much, straining my body with too much action, yet I feel so lazy for sitting still, for gentle movement. This is a western trait in the glorification of  busy, why do we reward the process of accumulation, achievement by the amount we have amassed and how much we fit in to our daily lives. The aggrandisement of frantic living is definitely not for me, so just as well I live in a sleepy part of the countryside and can sink into the gentle pace that is so much more beneficial.

I need to reign it in and rest, rest, rest. 

SOD (Stent Out Day)

Stent Out Day....

I feel ok about this 'procedure' as they call it as I've been feeling quite fed-up at 6 weeks post-op with nowhere near the levels of energy that I need to partake in normal activities. I still feel incredibly bruised in my abdomen and am probably being too impatient as it wasn't just a hysterectomy but the added complications of endometriosis and then my ureter being damaged.

Having the stent is causing me some discomfort almost daily, it a low ache that reaches up my side and is worse just after peeing. Right now I can't entertain walking for miles; climbing a hill; lying on the grass; sleeping in a tent; soaking in a bubble bath; doing yoga; flying round the world; belly dancing; doing a pilgrimage; all these things I want to do desperately but can't. 

So, the stent was apparently 30cm in length and is finally out of my body and it only took a few minutes in which the doctor placed a camera up through my lady bits to retrieve the stent from my bladder, ureter and right kidney. It was uncomfortable but I had no anaesthetic and I think I must have incredible high pain threshold due to years of living with endometriosis.

My bladder was really irritated afterwards and I had the urge to urinate for several hours which is not pleasant as you get to the toilet then nothing comes out. You know how it is if you've ever had a bladder infection (something I thankfully never had to endure).

I take more arnica homeopathic remedy when I get home to help the healing process. Joy of joys, I suddenly realise that after 6 weeks of intense trauma on my body I'm now totally organic again with no 'foreign matter' in or attached to me.

My post-op reading list...

"There is no time for boredom"...

I have used my healing time also as a time to read, which is a great use of time. Here is a list of books I have read:

Life After Life - by Kate Atkinson
Perfect - by Rachel Joyce
One Hundred Years of Solitude - by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Pride and Prejudice - by Jane Austen
The Great Gatsby - by F. Scott Fitzgerald
The Letter in the Bottle - by Karen Leibrich
Case Histories - by Kate Atkinson
A Cat, a Hat and a Piece of String - Joanne Harris
The Lover - by Marguerite Duras
The Luminaries - by Elinor Catton

Don't over do it...

That's all I have to say on the matter....

Appearances can be deceptive when you are healing. I look well but I know my insides have a long way to go before they are fully healed. It is 5 weeks since the hysterectomy and I still have the stent inside me which is not pleasant, so there is still shock and trauma held at a deep level.

It is dry yet breezy today and if I'd have been well I would've been at our local village's Harvest Home celebration. This is a rural event upheld in small communities around the area I live in, dating back over 100 years. The usual characters all partake in these events including a big meal of local meats, salads and trifles followed by speeches then later an afternoon tea, games and a live band in the evening. All held in a large marquee in the middle of a field. 

I can almost smell the chunks of fresh bread, cubes of cheese, pickles and condiments mixed with the soft, country smell of the grass underfoot. Flowers dotted along the long trestle tables and the bustle of the feast as people consume jugs of ale and cider.

But as I said, there is no way my body could cope with that so I rest. And wait.

Turn your negative into positive...

Bio-oil and arnica cream...

after showering each morning I have my routine of putting arnica oil on my bruises (yes I still have them!) and then some bio-oil on the incision scar. I still feel very swollen and tender although I am progressing each day so trust in the process of time.

I've been having a bad time sleeping with the position I have to lie in, I cannot lie on my sides as it pulls too much on my belly so lying on my back is not ideal and causes my legs to become restless.

My mum comes to take me out as it is a glorious day, warm with sunshine so we sit outside at the garden centre. I feel quite lightheaded walking about and I'm SO SLOW even the old women with trolleys overtake me!

Tiredness overtakes me too, even the slightest activity leaves me knackered but I'm thankful for all the help I'm getting so far.

Stent Irritation

You cannot see inside your body...

but you can certainly feel it. I have never been very good with non-organic stuff and the stent sitting in my ureter latched between my kidney and my bladder is a prime example.

I had been considering the stages of healing following my hysterectomy knowing that it was not quite as straightforward as I anticipated due to the cut ureter and it's own healing process. Each day I felt less tired but it would creep up on me like the weather beside a British coastline, one moment the sun was out and then a bank of grey would loom over the horizon of my body. Tiredness creeps, it doesn't hit you like pain or emotion, it is a creature that leeches you like a parasite. 

After I wee my right side aches as if someone is drawing a sharp line with a blunt magnet, the tiny trickle is followed by a hot flash up my face and neck - this could be hormones or the elimination of drugs still working through my system.

Drinking only water helps - lots of it, to flush through and reduce the challenges my body is facing.

I keep to my mantra and listen daily to Deva Premal:

deva premal - listen

Anybody out there???

How many women feel abandoned after hysterectomy...here are some support options where you can join forums and chat to other women who share their experiences:

The Hysterectomy Association

Endometriosis UK

Hyster Sisters

It's all about me, actually!

Getting well after surgery is a personal thing, some like company and lots of fuss while others (like me) prefer to quietly sit like a wounded cub licking her wounds....

The World Cup Final, not that I care in the slightest but some people do especially if they are Argentinian or German football fans. I wake from such a heavy dream filled sleep leaving my body set in concrete and aching in my abdomen, a dense kind of pain as if I'm drowning within myself.

Mornings are always so testing. I get up slow as a sloth and manage to empty my bowels without too much prolonged agony. I feel better after washing like a deranged bashed up old hag leaning on the sink and sponging my body.

The catheter sits like a plastic leech on my leg, now I'm producing warm elderflower cordial and find pleasure in categorizing my wee into various liquid refreshments as it is on display; rose wine, weak ribena, scrumpy medium cider, peach squash, lemon liqueur.

I enforce my boundaries to refrain from visitors which includes pretty much everyone except my mum. This is my surrender moment, a time to heal and I'm not going anywhere so there is no point in resisting it. 

If you resist what your body needs, your body will stop you and make you surrender in no uncertain terms. Be kind. Treat yourself as you would a dear friend.

I have found my diary or blog a preferred way of expressing all these inner feelings, a cathartic release of sorts. Naturally you will have friends who want to see you bearing gifts and tidings of goodwill but it's not about them. It's about you. If you don't feel up to visitors make that clear and tell them you're not ready. There's plenty of time to convalesce when you can enjoy their visits especially if they are offering you specific support. Fetching a few shopping items for you, making a bit of lunch, doing a bit of vacuuming or ironing can all help. 

You need to empower your inner manager and prioritize what it is you need right now.

My main reason for not seeing too many friends in the first week home was because they make me laugh.

"Laughing really hurts after abdominal surgery - stay miserable a little bit longer!"

Support and routine to aid recovery

Keep positive...you will get better....

Advice for a healthier recovery period:

• Drink water all the time - keep your body hydrated.
• Fuel your body with clean foods, fruits, vegetables, fibre, seeds, nuts, pulses.
• Mulkosan is a whey based nutritional drink that aids digestion - my friend gave me a bottle of this, you can drink with water or fruit juice.
• Ask for help - you will need it in the first few weeks after surgery to do the most simplest of tasks, like fetching you drinks, meals, washing up, cleaning the house, making your bed, lifting things, driving you to appointments and generally being there to help. 
• Have a routine, get up out of bed, it does make you feel better when you  are upright for a bit and gets the digestive gases moving down and out, if you get my drift.
• Be mindful that everything takes more time than usual.
• Sleep.
• Rest.
• Shower daily when you are feeling able to, remember to let your incision dry fully so it can heal well.
• Set daily aims no matter how mundane they may seem, every step towards recovery is a step in the right direction. I love reading, doing puzzle magazines, listening to music and watching films so if your operation is planned why not line up a few books, make some playlists to put on your ipod before you go to hospital, line up some films to view that you've been meaning to watch for years.
• Most of all - listen to your body -rest, move a little, eat, rest, cleanse, breathe slowly and deeply, sleep, hydrate, smile.....

Connecting to nature when recovering

Listen to your body, good advice on any occasion but especially following major abdominal surgery like hysterectomy....

When you leave hospital your biggest teacher and nurse is you - your very own body. I find that nature is also a great teacher, it has a natural process that when forced just doesn't work, for example, if you see a bud on a flower you know it will eventually open and become a full bloom with the right conditions, but if you try to force it open with your fingers the petals will bruise and be spoiled. That is how it is with all organic things including us.

The weather has been gloriously hot, sunny with a cool breeze today. I decide to sit outside in the garden which is slightly uncomfortable but pretty much everything is uncomfortable right now. My belly is distended, feels really tight and sore, I ache with every movement either standing or sitting but I know this will pass. The bruises on my skin will fade in time.

Outside in my garden our beautiful plants are in chakra colours, red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo and violet with white and pink all interspersed and healthy. I adore them all like my pets and feel so much gratitude for all the plants attracting butterflies and bees. For a moment the physical challenges of my body fade when I meditate on the movement of the insects around the flowers and the breeze through the branches of the trees.

In the words of John Denver - you fill up my senses.....

Bowel issues

Oh dear, my healthy appetite plus iron tablets plus abdominal surgery plus inactivity has led to this no laughing matter...let's talk constipation....

When you have not had a bowel motion for four days then seriously consider all forms of laxative or an enema. When I had endometriosis on my bowel I experienced severe pain but that was nothing compared to post-op  bowel blockage pain - it really, really, really hurts.

I have been drinking plenty of water, eating veg and fruit, natural foods etc but the effects of the iron tablets, codeine and surgery have bunged me up like a cork on a bottle that has been at sea for decades and nothing short of dynamite will ease its constricted state to release its contents. On that oceanic theme, I can tell you not to be regular makes me crabby  - it may sound strange to you but I can almost cope with all the other failings of my poor body when I've had a good shit!

Other things to consider while we're getting down and dirty:

• The catheter is my friend (at least at night time) - I've been sleeping like a log (not sure who first came up with that analogy as logs are the least likely things to sleep having all manner of insects crawling about inside them), so deep in fact that when I wake I feel strange and heavy (perhaps that's where the log theme comes in). For example, last night I weed 1000ml into my night bag so thank god I didn't have to get up and down to the loo.
• Feeling lethargic, breathless and broken from hours of surgery plus drugs plus a drain in my side, plus a catheter, plus a couple of canulas (one of which decided to eject itself from my vein thus depriving me of morphine), then my body being pricked for blood, injected with anti-coagulant, quaffing pills like a raver at a festival....
• Two bags of someone else's blood later and I'm told I'll feel like a new woman (that's infinitely better than being told I'll feel like an old woman or a used woman for that matter.)
• Poo Poo Poo Poo Poo - my specialist subject. Ask me anything about it - don't be shy, it's got to come out in the open sooner or later.

Last day in hospital

Goodbye Room 25, I have written you a poem....

Seagulls patrol like marine creatures

Standing sentinel on roof tops twitching like robots

Lifting their wings like fins in a sea of expectancy

To catch the breeze. I lay stranded, a beached balloon

In a shroud,  pinned down by tubes and bags.

Clock-watching is my new hobby, 'time' they say,

'take it'. Two weeks, six weeks, one year. 

Me here, waiting for time to heal, listening to

the rattle of cups moving faster than I can.

The sky today is dusted with the promise of home.

I can hear it in my thoughts now the morphine

drip of the past has slipped from my vein to

leave a purple kiss on my wrist. My body

covered in the surgeons fingerprints, a dot-dot- dot,

dash-dash-dash of morse code on my skin.

I whisper thanks for the blood, the veins it has come from

to meet me here in this bed, in room twenty-five.

---

My last day in hospital so I haul myself into the walk in shower and sit on a chair to cleanse my body as best I can. These things take so much longer than usual. I decided to stay another night as I need to be more mobile if I'm to get home, walk up and down stairs and get myself to the bathroom. So I walk out of the room I've been in for 5 days, feel completely knackered, come back, sit down, watch TV, get up, have more blood taken to see that I'm ok after the transfusion, empty my catheter bag, sit down.

My friend visits me in hospital and I try to explain to her all that has gone on, I feel really tired when she leaves which apparently is normal. Anyway, I motivate myself to walk to the day room and back which is quite a long way down the corridor, I feel really hungry today. I am better when lying flat as when I sit I can feel my insides pulling and aching.

I dream of a delicious platter of organic salad: tomatoes; cucumber; sprouted seeds; grated carrot; rocket; black and green olives; red pimento peppers; feta cheese cubes; chives and olive oil. Mmmmmmmmm!

Imprisoned by my body

I feel yukky.....

Three days post-op and the dawning realisation that I am actually quite poorly has set in and my mind has decided to tell me that I actually feel really ill.

I feel imprisoned by my own body and it's attachments. The fucking drain, a subject of much discussion by the visiting team of urologists and gynaecologists is talked about, looked at and I'm told it can be removed but it hasn't. It sits in my side congealing making me feel sick, I'm surprised vampires aren't swarming around the ward - I'm easy pickings right now.

This catheter is hindering my already limited movement, on the plus side it is useful to not have to get up and down to have a wee. I feel sick today. It could be the thought of having to have a blood transfusion - do something new everyday - ok I'll have two big bags of someone elses blood please!

Oh and I feel dirty and smelly and can't do much about it other than sponge myself while sitting. My head aches, my neck is stiff from all this laying about. There is no striking pain but I feel grotty as if I've been put in a room with no air, had my insides ripped out, been drugged, and not washed for a week - I think that is pretty much what has happened.

Ok, enough of this negativity although I am justified to feel a little bit sorry for myself considering all the problems I've encountered with this hysterectomy.

THEN SOMETHING MARVELLOUS HAPPENED.....

I had a blood transfusion! If you can imagine filling up a car with petrol or a glass with some delicious nutritious juice or one of those charts you see on game shows where the tube gets filled up the more noise you make....that is what having a blood transfusion feels like.

Almost instantly my colour came back into my cheeks and I could feel my energy renewing. 

THANK YOU SO MUCH BLOOD DONORS OF THE WORLD - I REALLY, REALLY APPRECIATE YOU.

If you ever want to give blood (and you will definitely help people who are in need of it like me) then contact the NHS blood and transplant service.

A visit from my surgeon

Highlight of the day is....

chatting to my gynecologist, the kindest most compassionate surgeon I have ever encountered. He has a manner that refreshes like a cool breeze in a forest clearing, he makes me feel better just by being in the same room (bit ironic really), he is rare, a jewel, a shot of elixir in my veins (or it could be that the drugs haven't worn off yet).

It seems I am popular today, a delicious young doctor who hopes to be a GP when she has finished training comes to take my blood. She hardly makes a mark on my already poor bruised arm, it turns out I'm anemic which pretty much explains the woozy head when I stand up, the extremely low blood pressure and general feeling of being a transparent sheet of tissue paper.

I'm holding out for an egg mayo sandwich on brown, this is what I ticked on the menu sheet yesterday although what you select and what you get is a lottery. 

Oh and I stood up after shuffling on to the edge of the bed, then I sat down again! It is not easy being attached to tubes and bags filled with your own body's fluids.

Result: I get my egg mayo sandwich and a delicious pear! Little things and all that...

Here is my mantra for the day:

Every day I heal more easily and regenerate to become healthy and stronger. 

Surgery date

Expect the unexpected.....

I had prepared myself mentally, emotionally, physically and organised my home and work life so I could heal with ease after surgery. I had pushed for laparascopic (keyhole) surgery as this seemed the less invasive and took less time to heal from. I was optimistic and had managed to reduce my anxiety by reciting some mantras and reassuring myself I had good support networks in place when I was discharged from hospital.

But the best laid plans as they say.......

I awoke in a morphine haze to find myself in a lovely room of my own in hospital with an ensuite wet room (nice you might say), however my surgeon was telling me there had been a few problems and unfortunately my right ureter had been cut, but it was ok as the urologist had been called in and repaired it so it shouldn't cause any long term problems! I'm not sure how much I was taking in at this point as the room seemed a bit transient through my drug induced state.

As you can imagine this was not a gift I had wished for or even imagined, a cut ureter, a large abdominal incision, a drain coming out of my left side to take away blood into a bag, a canula attached to some morphine, a fluid drip into another part of my arm and a catheter draining into a bag on my right. Not to mention bruises and a rorschach teddy bear in sepia staining into my hospital gown where my poor body was leaking!

The nurses were wonderful, checking on me throughout the night, taking my blood pressure and temperature and being kind and gentle.

Drugs were very much needed so I stayed immobile like a stranded seal on its back waiting for my family to turn up and survey the damage.