"Parting is such sweet sorrow..."

wrote some famous geezer once upon a time...

...and how right he is. Sorrow rises up to meet me. This is potentially the last time I will see Mr F, my lovely gynae consultant unless by some quirk of kismet we meet in Qatar! He is leaving me for the desert!

My follow up appointment has a sense of an ending, it is a closing of a chapter as I continue to heal yet I have been through such an intense process with this exceptional man, the connection is inevitable. 

Don't all women fall in love with their gynaecologist?!

So I leave the hospital with renewed hope that my body, now rid from endometriosis and the organ that produced it, is finally going to allow me to be as free & vibrant as my thoughts. Yet the loss prompted by this change overwhelms me and I spend the evening silently weeping; perhaps this surfacing melancholy is a sort of relief overflow from the effects of surgery and the energetic links that are created.

My osteo recently remarked that it is as if all my whole life has been leading up to this point, the start of wellness and a clearing of karma through intense pain and suffering. The shamanic tradition marks this as the 'wounded healer' archetype, and through experiencing this descent into the abyss of illness the young initiate will re-emerge into the world with vital information to share with others. 

"So, I thank you Mr F with all my heart for your commitment to me over the past two years, you have touched me way beyond the physical and above all you were the one that really heard me. I will never forget that."

And who could have predicted that my final gynaecology appointment would involve the mention of camels! 

Perhaps Mr F will be true to his word and bring me back a camel from Qatar.......however, I'll settle for diamonds!

Here is a photo of me on 'Skyjuice' the camel in Jordan.

Butterflies and the process of transformation

Butterflies teach us how to transform...

We can learn from creatures that transform drastically throughout their life cycle and a prime example of this is the butterfly. I have always been drawn to their subtle complexity, a life lived in apparent frailty but disguising great strength. I meet the owner of the Butterfly House and he shows me a Gold Rim Swallowtail caterpillar, it it black and bulbous with red spikes, and secretes a wax-like substance when under threat! I am reminded of the way my body oozed and expelled liquids post-op, something no-one ever discusses in conversation. The processes we go through when healing can be regarded as disgusting or they can be looked upon as a necessary part of transformation. As a butterfly.

The chrysalises hang apparently dormant in their cupboard at the back of the Butterfly House, they dance as if celebrating their imminent emergence into a new life. I spoke to many women before I had my hysterectomy and heard their experience of it, all of them said they didn't regret it and it was the best thing they'd ever done. I maintain that view also regardless of the complications that arose during my surgery and the pain I endured. I am grateful to those professionals who helped me to combat endometriosis, a debilitating and life-changing disease. I felt hysterectomy was the only option left to me if I was to lead a happy and fulfilling life.

I will leave you with a photo of the Tree Nymph butterfly, a gloriously large creature that flies as if it is tissue paper swimming on the breeze.

Drug free cinematography...

After the Stent...

I woke the day after having the ureteric stent removed with renewed energy and thankfully no nasty bits coming out when I wee. I can't believe the transformation from having it removed, which is likely to have been causing me all this discomfort over the past 6 weeks.

I feel now I can really concentrate on getting my body healed and well again without the restriction I've been feeling. I did a short walk to the local garage and back, very slowly but it was enough for one day. I knew when I'd done too much moving about the house as my abdomen gets really achy so I spent the afternoon watching TV. I'm at that stage of recovery where my mind races ahead of my body and I need to be mindful and take care. 

I have not received a follow up from my gynecologist yet and feel I've been overlooked by the system. This is not unusual apparently and it is worth taking control of your own healing administration, chasing appointments etc. (I am in the UK so this maybe different if you are reading from other countries). I have been disappointed with the lack of follow up following discharge from hospital when I was reassured that all the appointments would be made for me and I'd be notified by post. A phonecall in the early weeks would have been really helpful to talk with a nurse who understood about the recovery process just for reassurance if nothing else. I had no idea that a stent could produce such uncomfortable symptoms.

As well as reading I have watched the following films:

• 12 Years a Slave
• This is Martin Bonner
• American Hustle
• Blue Jasmine
• Inside Llewyn Davis
• August: Osage County
• The Counselor
• Now Voyager
• Back to the Future (1 & 2)
• The Italian Job (1969 original)

I'm partial to a Lamborghini-driving older man with his shirt sleeves rolled up - anyone?????

SOD (Stent Out Day)

Stent Out Day....

I feel ok about this 'procedure' as they call it as I've been feeling quite fed-up at 6 weeks post-op with nowhere near the levels of energy that I need to partake in normal activities. I still feel incredibly bruised in my abdomen and am probably being too impatient as it wasn't just a hysterectomy but the added complications of endometriosis and then my ureter being damaged.

Having the stent is causing me some discomfort almost daily, it a low ache that reaches up my side and is worse just after peeing. Right now I can't entertain walking for miles; climbing a hill; lying on the grass; sleeping in a tent; soaking in a bubble bath; doing yoga; flying round the world; belly dancing; doing a pilgrimage; all these things I want to do desperately but can't. 

So, the stent was apparently 30cm in length and is finally out of my body and it only took a few minutes in which the doctor placed a camera up through my lady bits to retrieve the stent from my bladder, ureter and right kidney. It was uncomfortable but I had no anaesthetic and I think I must have incredible high pain threshold due to years of living with endometriosis.

My bladder was really irritated afterwards and I had the urge to urinate for several hours which is not pleasant as you get to the toilet then nothing comes out. You know how it is if you've ever had a bladder infection (something I thankfully never had to endure).

I take more arnica homeopathic remedy when I get home to help the healing process. Joy of joys, I suddenly realise that after 6 weeks of intense trauma on my body I'm now totally organic again with no 'foreign matter' in or attached to me.

My post-op reading list...

"There is no time for boredom"...

I have used my healing time also as a time to read, which is a great use of time. Here is a list of books I have read:

Life After Life - by Kate Atkinson
Perfect - by Rachel Joyce
One Hundred Years of Solitude - by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Pride and Prejudice - by Jane Austen
The Great Gatsby - by F. Scott Fitzgerald
The Letter in the Bottle - by Karen Leibrich
Case Histories - by Kate Atkinson
A Cat, a Hat and a Piece of String - Joanne Harris
The Lover - by Marguerite Duras
The Luminaries - by Elinor Catton

Holistic Treatments to help after hysterectomy...

Choose a holistic treatment to aid your recovery...

If you feel anything like me after having surgery you will want tender, loving care and not a full on massage which can probably be detrimental anyway if you are still bruised inside and sore outside too.

Some gentle treatments that can really help include reflexology and you can find one near to you via:

Association of Reflexologists

I am lucky enough to know therapists in my area who practice many different types of therapy so have found homeopathy, reflexology, cranial osteopathy and acupuncture all widely available and very effective at getting me back on track.

My homeopath has prescribed me:

Staphysagria - for post-surgical pain. read about it

Arnica - for bruising and trauma. read about it

Thuja - a fascinating remedy that taps into the divine feminine - read about it

Today I had my first cranial osteopathic treatment with one of the best practitioners I know. This is not to be confused with conventional click and clunk osteopathy that realigns the bones and joints and ligaments but a more gentle intuitive type of therapy. I have found it most effective in dealing with the excruciating symptoms of endometriosis in the past, especially chronic pelvic and back pain. If you are responsive to subtle, gentle approaches I'd really recommend finding a good cranial osteo and have some treatments. I find myself just wanting to sleep very deeply afterwards which seems to be my body's way of realigning itself, like a mini-hibernation.

Here is a link to my fabulous osteo

Be kind to yourself - treat yourself as you would a thing that you love most

POCT or Post-Op Commentary Talking

Talking to yourself is absolutely normal....

Today has been a real test of my energy level management - I love my friends but have found that talking and being present with them has left me floored for some time afterwards. I feel it's the actual process of concentration and being alert, plus being limited at movement prevents me to get up and play hostess.

My rational mind tells me I mustn't over-do it or I could set my self back so I talk to myself - a skill I learned on a workshop once called commentary-driving, only I call this Post-Op Commentary Talking. 

It goes something like this:

"I am now going to gently ease myself out of this chair and stand up. Now I am mindfully going to walk to the kitchen to fetch a glass of water. Oh look, there is a pair of shoes that have been carelessly left in the middle of the room but because I cannot bend down I will not attempt to move them but register that they are in my pathway causing me to navigate around them and not trip up and land flat on my face..."

Talking of limitations, obviously I'm aware that I can't hang out of upstairs windows to wash off the seagull shit so I ask my extremely keen to please partner to do it, as it is impeding my view of the clouds! (Actually he wasn't that keen - who would be?)

Going off on a tangent, can I recommend fruit to you. It's blooming marvellous considering nearly two weeks ago I was almost passing out on the toilet with 8/10 pain, this has reduced to 3/10 discomfort so 'well done body' - remember with POCT you can actually tell your body how well it's doing at healing.

Now for a fruit salad...

Pain v People

4am...

I keep waking in pain, or more of an ache really, the sort you get just before a period, but having a hysterectomy means I won't have to experience them again. I can only lie on my back as it is too uncomfortable to lie on my side with a 21cm incision (I have just measured it with a ruler).

My dreams are fleeting, last night I dream of my gynae consultant - he holds my hand and traces his index finger across my palm???? any dream experts out there, interpret that for me.

As an antidote to pain other than the usual self-medications of codeine phosphate, paracetemol and ibuprofen I have found that people are quite good at making me feel better (providing they are not extremely funny as it still hurts to laugh).

The weather is turning ready for a predictably unsettled August; it was really windy although still warm and today the clouds have amassed to a smoky grey wash. I feel the frustration at my practical limitations which restricts me but also reminds me to learn to surrender. There is no point straining and lifting and forcing something that only time will heal. I'm reminded so often of people saying 'listen to your body'.

A gentle circulation of friends throughout the week who visit and bring me lunch following my morning routine of breakfast in bed, shower, dress, walking about a bit, reading and writing my diary. My afternoons normally involve watching tv as my brain seems to stop functioning altogether and tiredness creeps up on me.

For the record, I do feel I am improving a little each day and in the right direction now but I have decided I'm not well enough to travel to a friends wedding, it feels too much of a challenge at this stage of my recovery. She is understanding and I feel so blessed to have such great friends.

Aren't showers blooming marvellous...

I feel clean clean clean clean.....

Hooray, hooray the catheter came out today nearly three weeks since surgery. Goodbye plastic friend who gathered my urine day in day out, I will not miss you one bit.

I cannot tell you how much freedom I feel and it really wasn't that painful (men make a bit of a fuss apparently due to the longer length - these were the nurses words not mine). I quaffed a jug of cold water and managed to pee exceptionally clear urine - twice - had an ultrasound and was told there was a little teaspoon left in there but it all looked fine.

The nurse also kindly looked at my scar which was clean and hadn't bled for 4 days so advised to leave the dressing off. So I did. Thanks nurse. What I didn't envisage was needing a wee so quickly after leaving the hospital so spend most of the journey home in agonies and had to rush (well shuffle at a quicker pace) up the stairs as soon as I got home.

Joy of joys I love to shower, it is so refreshing to feel clean running water wash away all the detritus associated with recovery.

The weather has been hot and dry so I can lounge around drying naturally and letting my body use the balmy air to soothe it. Summer is my favourite season, the light and heat a natural remedy. My pet cat is being careful and affectionate, using his innate intelligence to sense that something is not quite right with me.

Anybody out there???

How many women feel abandoned after hysterectomy...here are some support options where you can join forums and chat to other women who share their experiences:

The Hysterectomy Association

Endometriosis UK

Hyster Sisters

Last day in hospital

Goodbye Room 25, I have written you a poem....

Seagulls patrol like marine creatures

Standing sentinel on roof tops twitching like robots

Lifting their wings like fins in a sea of expectancy

To catch the breeze. I lay stranded, a beached balloon

In a shroud,  pinned down by tubes and bags.

Clock-watching is my new hobby, 'time' they say,

'take it'. Two weeks, six weeks, one year. 

Me here, waiting for time to heal, listening to

the rattle of cups moving faster than I can.

The sky today is dusted with the promise of home.

I can hear it in my thoughts now the morphine

drip of the past has slipped from my vein to

leave a purple kiss on my wrist. My body

covered in the surgeons fingerprints, a dot-dot- dot,

dash-dash-dash of morse code on my skin.

I whisper thanks for the blood, the veins it has come from

to meet me here in this bed, in room twenty-five.

---

My last day in hospital so I haul myself into the walk in shower and sit on a chair to cleanse my body as best I can. These things take so much longer than usual. I decided to stay another night as I need to be more mobile if I'm to get home, walk up and down stairs and get myself to the bathroom. So I walk out of the room I've been in for 5 days, feel completely knackered, come back, sit down, watch TV, get up, have more blood taken to see that I'm ok after the transfusion, empty my catheter bag, sit down.

My friend visits me in hospital and I try to explain to her all that has gone on, I feel really tired when she leaves which apparently is normal. Anyway, I motivate myself to walk to the day room and back which is quite a long way down the corridor, I feel really hungry today. I am better when lying flat as when I sit I can feel my insides pulling and aching.

I dream of a delicious platter of organic salad: tomatoes; cucumber; sprouted seeds; grated carrot; rocket; black and green olives; red pimento peppers; feta cheese cubes; chives and olive oil. Mmmmmmmmm!

Imprisoned by my body

I feel yukky.....

Three days post-op and the dawning realisation that I am actually quite poorly has set in and my mind has decided to tell me that I actually feel really ill.

I feel imprisoned by my own body and it's attachments. The fucking drain, a subject of much discussion by the visiting team of urologists and gynaecologists is talked about, looked at and I'm told it can be removed but it hasn't. It sits in my side congealing making me feel sick, I'm surprised vampires aren't swarming around the ward - I'm easy pickings right now.

This catheter is hindering my already limited movement, on the plus side it is useful to not have to get up and down to have a wee. I feel sick today. It could be the thought of having to have a blood transfusion - do something new everyday - ok I'll have two big bags of someone elses blood please!

Oh and I feel dirty and smelly and can't do much about it other than sponge myself while sitting. My head aches, my neck is stiff from all this laying about. There is no striking pain but I feel grotty as if I've been put in a room with no air, had my insides ripped out, been drugged, and not washed for a week - I think that is pretty much what has happened.

Ok, enough of this negativity although I am justified to feel a little bit sorry for myself considering all the problems I've encountered with this hysterectomy.

THEN SOMETHING MARVELLOUS HAPPENED.....

I had a blood transfusion! If you can imagine filling up a car with petrol or a glass with some delicious nutritious juice or one of those charts you see on game shows where the tube gets filled up the more noise you make....that is what having a blood transfusion feels like.

Almost instantly my colour came back into my cheeks and I could feel my energy renewing. 

THANK YOU SO MUCH BLOOD DONORS OF THE WORLD - I REALLY, REALLY APPRECIATE YOU.

If you ever want to give blood (and you will definitely help people who are in need of it like me) then contact the NHS blood and transplant service.

Introducing skywomb

This is an honest personal account of my hysterectomy story...

But first some background about me so you get a fuller picture. I'm currently 38 years old and was diagnosed with endometriosis in April 2013 following laparascopic surgery to remove an endometrioma (also known as a chocolate cyst) from my right ovary. I was still in denial afterwards about the severity of the endometriosis which had spread over most of my pelvic organs explaining the debilitating symptoms and cyclical problems I had had for most of my adult life. I thought it was normal to suffer this as a woman!!!

I felt great after the laparoscopy, for a few months my energy levels were back up (I was no longer floored by exhaustion after carrying out the simplest daily tasks), my periods were not as painful and less heavy and I thought I'd been cured. But then the pain returned in the form of chronic back pain that left me bent over, tiredness, mood swings, bloating, bowel disturbance and heavy clotting that left me no option but to rearrange my social and work life and seriously reconsider what my body was telling me.

After much research into endometriosis and discussions with my gynecologist I had no hesitation in my decision to have a hysterectomy. I felt it would improve my life considerably reducing the messiness and disruption that the symptoms bought with it. My main dilemma was whether to also have my ovaries removed; those little nut-sized hormone powerhouses that had been the trigger for my endometriosis in the first place.

For more information on endometriosis I recommend Endometriosis UK which explains more about the condition.

So, after doing what all people do (googling all sorts of symptoms and horror stories) I got myself into a pickle about the disruption to my hormonal balance and the onset of surgical premature menopause if both my ovaries were removed. Panic stations a few days before my surgery and a phone call to my gyno left me more confused. Because of the potential re-occurrence of endometriosis it had been recommended that both my ovaries be removed at the same time thus reducing the risk. If they were both diseased this would be a no-brainer but as far as I knew my 'left' ovary did not have any endo on it but was the source of oestrogen (the main antagonist in production of endo). Dilemma, dilemma, dilemma.

In the end I decided to keep my left ovary if it looked disease free, as a better-the-devil-you-know approach rather than launch myself into premature menopause with potential symptoms of hot flushing, night sweats, emotional swings, depression, lethargy, weight gain, risk of osteoporosis, aches, pains, headaches etc. etc.. The anxiety lifted when I'd made the decision so I then focused on being as fit as I could for surgery.

Here follows my hysterectomy story which I hope you can draw some insight from as we are all unique.....