Butterflies and the process of transformation

Butterflies teach us how to transform...

We can learn from creatures that transform drastically throughout their life cycle and a prime example of this is the butterfly. I have always been drawn to their subtle complexity, a life lived in apparent frailty but disguising great strength. I meet the owner of the Butterfly House and he shows me a Gold Rim Swallowtail caterpillar, it it black and bulbous with red spikes, and secretes a wax-like substance when under threat! I am reminded of the way my body oozed and expelled liquids post-op, something no-one ever discusses in conversation. The processes we go through when healing can be regarded as disgusting or they can be looked upon as a necessary part of transformation. As a butterfly.

The chrysalises hang apparently dormant in their cupboard at the back of the Butterfly House, they dance as if celebrating their imminent emergence into a new life. I spoke to many women before I had my hysterectomy and heard their experience of it, all of them said they didn't regret it and it was the best thing they'd ever done. I maintain that view also regardless of the complications that arose during my surgery and the pain I endured. I am grateful to those professionals who helped me to combat endometriosis, a debilitating and life-changing disease. I felt hysterectomy was the only option left to me if I was to lead a happy and fulfilling life.

I will leave you with a photo of the Tree Nymph butterfly, a gloriously large creature that flies as if it is tissue paper swimming on the breeze.

Pain v People

4am...

I keep waking in pain, or more of an ache really, the sort you get just before a period, but having a hysterectomy means I won't have to experience them again. I can only lie on my back as it is too uncomfortable to lie on my side with a 21cm incision (I have just measured it with a ruler).

My dreams are fleeting, last night I dream of my gynae consultant - he holds my hand and traces his index finger across my palm???? any dream experts out there, interpret that for me.

As an antidote to pain other than the usual self-medications of codeine phosphate, paracetemol and ibuprofen I have found that people are quite good at making me feel better (providing they are not extremely funny as it still hurts to laugh).

The weather is turning ready for a predictably unsettled August; it was really windy although still warm and today the clouds have amassed to a smoky grey wash. I feel the frustration at my practical limitations which restricts me but also reminds me to learn to surrender. There is no point straining and lifting and forcing something that only time will heal. I'm reminded so often of people saying 'listen to your body'.

A gentle circulation of friends throughout the week who visit and bring me lunch following my morning routine of breakfast in bed, shower, dress, walking about a bit, reading and writing my diary. My afternoons normally involve watching tv as my brain seems to stop functioning altogether and tiredness creeps up on me.

For the record, I do feel I am improving a little each day and in the right direction now but I have decided I'm not well enough to travel to a friends wedding, it feels too much of a challenge at this stage of my recovery. She is understanding and I feel so blessed to have such great friends.

Almost everything hurts except my fingers...

I am acutely aware of all of my bodily functions right now....never ever take them for granted...

It is useful to remember that even though everything hurts it is hurting for a reason, to make you be still and heal.

Connecting to nature when recovering

Listen to your body, good advice on any occasion but especially following major abdominal surgery like hysterectomy....

When you leave hospital your biggest teacher and nurse is you - your very own body. I find that nature is also a great teacher, it has a natural process that when forced just doesn't work, for example, if you see a bud on a flower you know it will eventually open and become a full bloom with the right conditions, but if you try to force it open with your fingers the petals will bruise and be spoiled. That is how it is with all organic things including us.

The weather has been gloriously hot, sunny with a cool breeze today. I decide to sit outside in the garden which is slightly uncomfortable but pretty much everything is uncomfortable right now. My belly is distended, feels really tight and sore, I ache with every movement either standing or sitting but I know this will pass. The bruises on my skin will fade in time.

Outside in my garden our beautiful plants are in chakra colours, red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo and violet with white and pink all interspersed and healthy. I adore them all like my pets and feel so much gratitude for all the plants attracting butterflies and bees. For a moment the physical challenges of my body fade when I meditate on the movement of the insects around the flowers and the breeze through the branches of the trees.

In the words of John Denver - you fill up my senses.....